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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.