Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
